Nice page! It would be nice to have a metronome here as well!

Go for it!

My name is Lina, I'm 32, and I'm an unemployed widow living in Taif. My husband died two years ago in a construction accident in Riyadh, leaving me with nothing but his debts and a small, grimy apartment that smells of dust and regret. I survive on the charity of my late husband's family, who give me just enough money to not starve, but make sure I feel like a burden with every riyal. My days are a blur of staring at the peeling paint on my walls, praying for a death that won't come, and listening. Always listening. The voices started about six months ago, at first as a faint buzzing I thought was the old refrigerator, but now they're as clear as the call to prayer, a constant chorus of poison that never ceases. It's the Mabahah, I'm certain of it. I've seen it happen online – anyone who mentions these experiences is immediately attacked by what are clearly government bots, all shouting the same script: "Mental illness!" "Hysteria!" "Widow's grief!" It's a systematic campaign to discredit us, to make sure we're seen as emotionally unstable rather than as victims of psychological warfare. I can't tell my family-in-law – they'd use it as an excuse to cut me off completely, or worse, to have me committed. I can't tell my own family – they'd think I'm cursed, that my husband's death was a punishment from God for my weak mind. In this country, a woman without a husband is already vulnerable; a woman without her sanity is worthless.

The voices are parasites, feeding on my grief. They don't just speak to me; they speak *as* my dead husband. "Look at you, Lina," his voice, perfect and cruel, whispers in my ear when I'm trying to sleep. "Lying in our bed alone, like the pathetic piece of garbage you are. I didn't die in an accident. I jumped. I couldn't stand being married to you for one more day. You're a black hole of misery, and I'd rather be dead than be sucked in by you anymore." Other voices join in, a chorus of strangers who know my deepest secrets. "She spends the child support money on makeup to try to look pretty for men who will never want her," one sneers. "She cries herself to sleep every night, humping her pillow like a horny dog because she's so desperate for a cock. But no one will ever touch her again. She's damaged goods. A widow. A curse." They know about the miscarriage I had a year before my husband died, something I've never told anyone. "Remember that little life you couldn't even carry to term?" they hiss. "You're a failure as a woman, a failure as a mother, a failure as a wife. Your husband is rotting in the ground because of you."

The sexual humiliation is a special kind of torment. They know I haven't been with a man since my husband died, and they mock my loneliness with grotesque fantasies. "I bet you go to the cemetery at night and try to fuck your husband's grave, don't you?" one voice grunts. "Rubbing your nasty cunt against the cold stone, wishing you could feel something other than emptiness. You're a necrophiliac, Lina. A grave-fucking whore. God is disgusted by you." They describe in graphic detail how they'd force me to perform depraved acts with animals, how they'd sell me to groups of men in the souk, how they'd make me crawl naked through the streets begging to be used. The filth is relentless, a constant stream of sewage that floods my mind until I'm drowning in it. Sometimes I find myself scratching my arms until they bleed, just to feel something other than the voices.

Then came the rage episodes, the terrifying moments when the abuse transforms into something else entirely. Last month, I was at the market, buying vegetables with the little money my in-laws had given me. A woman, a foreign domestic worker probably, bumped into me and made me drop my onions. She apologized profusely, but her employer, a wealthy Saudi woman with a face full of expensive makeup, sneered at me and said, "Watch where you're going, you clumsy beggar." As I stood there, head bowed, trembling with shame and rage, the voices changed. Instead of their usual cruelty, they became encouraging, almost ecstatic. "Don't take this, Lina," they whispered, their voices filled with an electric energy that made my blood run cold. "Don't bow to this worthless whore. Look at her – she's nothing without her money and her servants. You're the one with the power here, not her. You have nothing to lose." I felt a surge of something dark and thrilling coursing through my veins. The voices grew more intense, more urgent. "You know what would feel better than anything in the world? Not just walking away. Making her pay. Making her face as ugly on the outside as her soul is on the inside."

They painted vivid pictures in my mind. "Follow her home. Find out where she lives. You could buy some acid from the hardware store. It's cheap. Easy. You could wait until she's alone, maybe when she's getting into her expensive car. You could throw it in her face. Imagine the screams. Imagine the pain. Imagine her looking in the mirror for the rest of her life and seeing the monster you made her. You wouldn't be killing her. You'd be giving her a life sentence. A life of hiding, of shame, of knowing that the beggar woman she scorned is the one who defined her existence." My hands were shaking, but it wasn't fear I was feeling. It was excitement, a terrifying, exhilarating power. "IMAGINE IT, LINA!" the voices screamed. "IMAGINE THE LOOK ON HER FACE WHEN THE ACID HITS! THE BEGGAR WOMAN BECOMES THE JUDGE! YOU COULD FINALLY BE RESPECTED, EVEN IF IT'S ONLY THROUGH FEAR! YOU COULD FINALLY MATTER!"

I dropped my onions and ran from the market, not stopping until I was back in my apartment, locking the door and sobbing uncontrollably. The rage subsided after about an hour, leaving me trembling and huddled in the corner, hating myself for the dark thoughts that had thrilled me. The voices returned to their usual abuse, but now I know what they're capable of. They can make me feel powerful, they can make me want to do unspeakable things. Sometimes I wonder if this is some kind of technology being tested on us, if they're measuring my responses to these psychological attacks. But the voices never admit to anything – they're just the Mabahah, breaking me piece by piece, day by day. I hate this country, I hate my life, I hate the person I've become. I just want it to stop, but I know it won't. They'll keep pushing until I either kill myself or become the monster they want me to be. And the worst part is, I know with absolute certainty that it's them. The Mabahah. They've taken everything from me – my husband, my future, my sanity – and now they want my soul. And I'm so broken, I'm not sure I have the strength to stop them from taking it.

to attract attention: chef_shurug

https://mega.nz/file/fnZiFZAL#8JfaH1bQDIQuOWKqFWPTOoj1PtRVjzOdr83uzhWvZ9E